Nonattachment from views

Here is what happens when someone seriously disagrees with me and my views, and expresses their opinion on my work in a denigrating way:

There is a very strong sense of discomfort. I feel cold. I have trouble breathing for the first few seconds - an intense energy moves through my chest and abdomen. Then there is fear and self-doubt - what if I am wrong? What do I know about this, really? There is a sense of losing ground and scrambling for it. There is aggression - my mind starts spinning, formulating the right answers to show that idiot attacking me that I am right. Or rather, to assure myself that I am right, bring me back to a comfortable resting place.

As may be obvious from the detail in this decription, I just went through all that a couple of minutes ago. The think-tank that I am part of is publishing a report on "the counter-forces of the environment", meaning people and organisations who actively work against protective environmental legislation/regulation. We are arranging a seminar on this report in a couple of days, and someone at a magazine that doesn't like us just published a very negative comment on us (based entirely on the one sentence introducing the seminar on our webpage. The report isn't even out yet). I was surprised (again!) at the force of my negative reaction. It may be that I am still rather fresh out of retreat and thus very sensitive, but also it seems my discomfort in these situations is growing from one year to the next. I aspire to relax and stay open, but honestly, I don't think I am doing very well yet.

I am practicing to join the Order of Interbeing, but some days I really do feel I am not up for it and never will be. Right now I am focusing on the The First and Second Mindfulness Training of the Order, which deal with openness and non-attachment to views. Order-members commit themselves not to be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory or ideology, even Buddhist ones, and to learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to others' insights and experiences. That sounds nice. Friendly, relaxed. And it is, of course - but it is also (at least to this politician that is me) hard-core practice.

When I first read the trainings I didn't really feel touched by those two, it was more like yeah, sure, I am an openminded person, what is the problem? Now I see that my tendency to shut down when I am under "opinion attack" is extremely strong. In retreat recently, Thây Nhat Hanh said to us that attachment to views means that when someone expresses a view, we hold up our own view and compare what they are saying with what we already believe to be true. If they match, we say yes, OK, I hear you. If they don't, we reject what is being said. As he told us this, even illustrating with little gestures the act of bringing out one's own opinion to use for comparision, I saw that Yes, INDEED - that is what I do. Every day and twice on Sunday. Ouch.

I have been trying for quite a while now to challenge myself when it comes to opinions. I deliberately join projects where I know I will have to work with people that I disagree with. I make an effort to stay open, to just follow my breathing when people are talking, and hear what is being said without jumping to conclusions, trying just to understand. Sometimes I feel I am a little bit successful. And then all of a sudden, I look around and discover that I am at a cocktail party with a bunch of the Really Important People (whom I still do believe have a very shallow understanding of what the world's problems are about), eating canapés with a sheepish grin on my face and no idea whatsoever as to what I am doing.

And yes, my views of these people, or rather my views of their views, are just that: views. But I can't help it - in practice, my attempts at nonattachment to views feel like "critical thinking disabled". As if someone could come up to me and say "The world is flat!", and I would just go "Oh, well, if that is how you perceive things..." Or perhaps, this person would go "There is no such thing as global warming," or (less scientific, more political, more difficult) "Free trade is the solution to world poverty". And I don't want to let go of my conviction that those things are simply not in accordance with reality - not true.

Of course I know that no one has asked me to relinquish my experience, my knowledge or my critical thinking. Of course I know that the practice is not to be caught in these things - so that my heart and mind can remain open when someone disagrees with me, so that I can learn, so that I can see when I am wrong, so that there can be space for new things to arise, so that I can connect with people and with situations, so that I can understand, so that I can be of help. It is just that I don't know how to do that yet. Either I have my view and I HOLD IT, or I release it and feel like a sheep.

I learnt that in politics. Unlearning takes a while.

In a few days' time, I will be the moderator of this seminar I mentioned above. I will dress up as an Important Person and try to create a space where the Important People on our panel feel that sharing our ideas and experiences around how to counter the threat to the environment is not a competition, where the point is defeating the others, but that we are there to help each other think bigger, become aware of more than one perspective. Cross your fingers for us.